In Search of D...

Why I am so confused about everything I do or want to do? Is this because I am too influenced by Negative Energies around me or I am too blind that I am not able to see the Positive aspects of life. All these are because I am governed by something called FEAR, a fear of losing what I have right now, a fear of losing what I don't have and this fear restricts me in getting what I could have. My future is getting shadowed because of my over cautious nature and continuous thinking over a particular subject which ultimately hinders the line of progress and I remain as it is. This all are because a mere thought of losing a single penny haunts me so badly that automatically my step goes backward and stops there, eventually ruins all my dreams. I admit I am so confused that I always ask for suggestions to people or friends around me before doing anything, already know what actually I want to do,most of the time people suggest the same what I want ,still I am not able to move forward, don't know every time what or who pulls me back. May be because I do not have confidence or trust on myself . Every day I pretend I am very happy and practical, but at the end I know I am cheating myself because I can't pretend infront of the mirror. Sometimes this all happens because you are too cautious what world will think if u do this, what people will gossip, what will happen to your image thereafter, during all these crap thinking you forget what you wants, what about your happiness, what about your dreams. Ultimately victim is me only.


I know nobody in this world can help me in overcoming this situation. I am the only one who can cure myself. Hope next time I will come up with a permanent solution.

An unsolved riddle

In few years I am going to complete the silver jubilee of my life span, still I am unable to solve the conundrum of life, what actually I have to be in order to live not happily, just normally. I always react to a particular situation in the best possible way I can but always that plan went wrong and life laughs at me saying, "You, poor boy.You are the slave, I am the master." I always believe in living life to the fullest, trying to laugh, sometimes even laugh at things which require some share of seriousness, because I believe " Hasho muskurao, Kya pta Kal ho na ho.."

This is not at all helping me, infact I always end up crying and get helpless in the cruel hands of my master- Life.

I realized lately that people who live on their own terms, do what they actually feel is right..may be they are categorize among stubborn creatures, in actual the world bow in front of them, forcibly or casually. I think there is nothing called selfishness in this world now, its just about protecting your own ass first, then only you may help others. 

It really get hard sometimes when you that something is wrong, you know this may led you to disaster later, you know you are ruining yourself, still there is some force which pulls you doing that unwanted thing and makes you coward that you never able to do good things later.

There is nothing called happiness in this world. Its all about how we adjust with the things around us, how we take the things the way it comes to us, any disturbance made on it from our end led to the so called sadness.

Actually the things are pre-defined only, we just have to adapt ourselves in it and try to take happiness out of it.We can't create happiness or sadness, its all there. We just have to solve this riddle.

I know there is nothing innovative or interesting in whatever I have written above, but at the same time I must say we all know these things within us and fail to accept it.

Survival of the fittest

The words in the title of this blog remain on my lips all the time may be because I still remember "Adaptation" Chapter of Biology Class-X, that was probably last time I studied sincerely. The passion and enthusiasm which was there at that time results in the fact that I very well remember the long boring answers of History and Biology till now but lacks to recollect even the names of chapters of my engineering subjects. Is fear of survival makes you coward? or the urge to get acknowledged in whatever small things you do makes you away from your real goal and you start enjoying every little appreciation you get from public despite of your miniscule gesture.

Yes, acknowledgement is the word for which most of us are alive. I admit, even a small good words for me by anyone makes me as if I am on the top of the world. May be the reason is that I rarely get chance when people acknowledge me ,give me importance or I am like this only that "Ye dil maange more.." Latter statement is true. For me the reason for survival have become very clear now. Apart from the basic needs, the other one can be categorize among the social needs which every individual  really or virtually need whether they admit it or not. 

From childhood we were constantly reminded by our parents that we have to succeed by hook or crook. The success is not for our future well being but for getting acknowledgement from society. The whole drama revolves around this only and we ruin our entire life just for getting three words recognition, appreciation and acknowledgement. The very essence of survival for us is for this only and in this process we very well ignore that we haven't taken birth just to please others. Even  now-a-days Facebook have become our new social podium where getting likes and comments on your activities provides some share of acknowledgement. I am also among these people only. We all have earned degree. How many of us really or actually need it. Answer is none of us. We can easily survive without this also, but we can't because that led to fulfilling our social needs.

"Degree nai hogi to koi naukri nai dega, koi baap apni beti nai dega, bank credit card nai degi.."

 Even when we send forward  message to someone, in reply we except a "good one" message. May be also this effort of mine is for that only.

Yes I have a dream, the dream for which  I am alive, for which I can cross barriers, for which I have become insane. Still that insanity is not enough. Sometimes I think its not the dream that I am chasing. Its just like every another person's day-to-day process for "survival of fittest". Though I have grown up in a middle class family having all the basic facilities to survive, still there is always a push to expand my domain.Why??why these are required?? Is food, shelter, security, a simple cell phone to communicate with outer world, a television set for entertainment etc. not enough??Why there is a need for luxury?? This question haunts me every now and then.

I have also become the part of same thinking now, by making my desires my need. I still remember when asking for one rupee to my father and getting it feels like I have achieved something, today having thousands of rupees in my account feels nothing for me, as if there is always a feeling that it will get disappear very soon. Earlier I used to had happiness in every small things like if a friend sends me a forwarded message I get elated..aahh he/she remembers me. I always get happy when people who are important in my life is happy with me. This happiness is far far important for me than any other materialistic object.People were created to be loved.Things were created to be used. Now the vice-versa of the last line is more true.Earlier I use to think that satisfaction is the greatest desire.But I force to accept now that satisfaction has no limit, till we have long list of ever expanding desires.

I always was a very mediocre types student. Like every other father, he also push me every time  to get good marks..blah!!blah!!...and like every other child of my time I try to fulfill his expectations, though unexpected results came often(:P), still made him proud for a while by scoring a good percentage in 10th boards and unknowingly he has started to expect more from me.(Papa khete hai bada naam karega....) Things doesn't went as I planned.It was kinda illogical. Like Ekta Kapoor and Rakesh Roshan's superstition for "K" letter, I have also developed the same notion for mine by putting my dreams on the path of "K" factor. For me it was Katihar-Kolkata-Kota-Kharagpur or Kanpur(IITs). But destiny had there own plans and I land up in completely out of box, the land of sardars..NIT Jalandhar, Punjab. The insanity grows here like anything in those four years and must say I had my the best years of life there. I always think now to rewind my life once to again live those carefree life to the fullest. When we friends were in first year, we always use to have discussions.."yaar placement to ho jayegi na??" and I always said..."koi nai to TCS to le hi jayegi yaar..tension mat le"...Today I am in TCS and every other friend of my mine are in different high package getting organizations. The day I got recruited by TCS, it reminded me my lines only which I use to say to my friends during our discussions. The only driving force for me is that I am working for mighty "TATAs", honestly nothing else.Though I have no regrets as such, because I very well believe that I can't change destiny but Yes, I must have to be "insane" enough to fulfill my dreams.

"Musafir Hoon Yaaron Na Ghar Hai Na Tikhana
Mujhe Chalte Jaana Hai Bas Chalte Jaana..."